Over the years I’ve been practising, I’ve noticed one thing more and more often. Most people don’t come to me because they don’t have the answers. They come because they’ve stopped trusting their own answers.
And time and again, I’m struck by almost the same pattern. During a conversation, people often end up saying the very answer they’ve been searching for so long. It comes out in a casual remark, is revealed in their tone of voice, or emerges after a long pause. Sometimes the body even picks up on it before the mind does.
But almost immediately, doubts creep in: «Maybe I’m wrong», «Surely this isn’t serious», «That doesn’t happen», «I must be imagining it all». And at that moment, a person begins to doubt, not because there is no answer. They begin to doubt because they no longer trust themselves.
The longer I work, the more I realise that the problem rarely lies in a lack of clarity. Far more often, it lies in a loss of trust in the clarity that already exists.
We are not born without self-confidence
In all my years of living and working, I have never once seen a small child who wondered whether they were actually cold. Or asked for permission to feel curious. Or told themselves there was no need to be afraid.
When a child feels cold, they don’t doubt their own feelings. When they’re scared, they don’t try to convince themselves that «they’re overreacting». When they’re curious, they’re drawn to explore. When they don’t want to eat, they don’t wonder whether it’s a good enough reason. They simply know what’s happening to them right now. Not because they know everything about themselves, but because, for now, they’re still used to trusting themselves.
The ability to listen to yourself is not a skill that needs to be developed. It is a natural ability that we are born with. Therefore, you do not need to learn how to build self-confidence from scratch. It can be gradually restored.
We don’t stop trusting ourselves overnight
People almost never wake up one morning thinking, «From today, I’m no longer going to trust myself.» That hardly ever happens. It happens very quietly. Very gradually.
Other voices enter our lives. Parents. Teachers. Friends. Colleagues. Society. And almost every one of them has something to say about what the right thing to do is.
«It’s safer that way.»
«That’s what everyone does.»
«Be realistic.»
«Don’t make things up.»
«You’ll be sorry.»
I don’t see any ill will in these words. Very often, they stem from love, concern or a desire to protect. But gradually, we get used to trusting outside voices more than our own feelings.
The word «get used to» is particularly important to me here. It doesn’t blame anyone. It doesn’t imply weakness or a mistake. It simply describes a process that happens almost imperceptibly to many of us. And then there comes a moment when, one day, a person says: «I don’t know what I want anymore.».
Although the truth may well be quite different.
She knows.
She simply stopped believing that her answer could also be right.
We rarely lose ourselves
After many coaching sessions, I’m left with the same thought. We live without answers far less often than we realise. More often than not, we live without trusting our own answers.
That is precisely why, during coaching sessions, we do not try to find the right answer as quickly as possible. First and foremost, it is important to help the person hear their own answer, to allow them to voice it, and to feel it not only with their mind but also with their body. And then, gradually, to build their confidence in that answer, so that they can rely on it not only during the conversation, but also in their own decisions and actions.
That inner voice never really went away. It just remained quieter than all the others for far too long. And if that is indeed the case, then a completely different question arises. Not «Where can I find the right answer?», but «How can I hear my own voice again and learn to trust it?» That is exactly what we will be discussing in the next article.