Good solutions don’t come from the places we’re used to looking for them.
When you’re feeling lost, it’s natural to want to find an answer as quickly as possible. To make a decision. To draw up a plan. To finally make up your mind. It seems that as soon as you find the right direction, everything will fall into place.
It is with precisely this expectation that many people come to their first coaching session, hoping to find an answer quickly. More often than not, these are people who are used to taking responsibility for their own lives. They already sense that something needs to change and are ready to find their own path. It’s just that sometimes, along the way, there comes a point when the old ways no longer work, and the new ones aren’t yet clear.
And this is exactly where I almost always do something people don’t usually expect.
We don’t start with a decision
First and foremost, it is important for me not only to see the full picture of what is happening in a person’s life, but also to help them see it for themselves. Not individual events, but the connections between them. To understand what has led them to this particular point, what decisions have already been made, what patterns are repeating themselves over and over, and what patterns remain unnoticed for the time being.
Why am I starting with this in particular?
Because a one-off solution almost always helps to resolve only a single problem. But I want people, after working with us, not just to have an answer to today’s question, but to start understanding the logic of their own lives better. It is precisely this, as I see it, that lays the foundation for lasting change and helps people make decisions not just today, but tomorrow, a year from now, or five years from now.
Very often, something important happens during this very first conversation. What seemed like chaos just a few minutes ago begins to take shape as a clearer picture. A person notices connections they hadn’t seen before and gradually begins to understand the logic behind what is happening in their life.
At the same time, one’s inner state also changes. A greater sense of calm emerges, as the unknown ceases to be so formless. The sense of bewilderment does not necessarily disappear straight away, but it no longer feels chaotic or hopeless. Instead, a feeling emerges: «At least now I understand what’s happening to me.» And very often, it is precisely from this that true clarity begins to emerge.
Not every instance of «something being wrong» is necessarily a request
When a person begins to understand better what is happening to them, the following question naturally arises: «So what should I do now?»
But there’s no need to rush here either.
Very often, people come in thinking they already know what they’re looking for. In reality, however, what they bring with them is a sense of something: confusion, exhaustion, inner conflict, dissatisfaction with the way their life is turning out, and a desire to change something, without yet realising exactly what.
And that’s perfectly normal.
That is precisely why we do not try to find the answer straight away. First of all, it is important to understand what it is we actually want to work on. Because all our subsequent work depends on how clearly we can identify this. If we get it wrong at this stage, we may end up working very hard on the completely wrong issue.
Gradually, the general feeling that «something isn’t quite right» becomes clearer. A person begins to put into words more precisely what is happening to them. They realise what it is they are actually lacking right now. For some, it’s greater clarity. For others, it’s the courage to make an important decision. For others still, it’s a new perspective, inner peace or permission to live differently.
That is exactly how a request comes about. Not the one the person came with to the first meeting, but the one that is really worth working on.
And this is where another important change takes place.
A person develops greater inner resilience. Not because they have already found all the answers, but because it finally becomes clear in which direction to look for them. A feeling arises: «Now I understand what we’re actually dealing with. This is it.».
It is at this very moment that a person stops clinging to just any answer simply to rid themselves of uncertainty as quickly as possible. They begin to understand more clearly what is truly important to them, and what was merely creating a distraction.
This becomes the foundation upon which one’s own answers gradually take shape. They are no longer random. They are not dictated by fear or haste. Rather, they are answers that truly reflect the person and the life they wish to build.
Why do we talk about life before we even talk about decisions?
Once it becomes clearer what we’re actually working with, it seems that the next step is to draw up an action plan. But we’re not rushing into that either. It’s at this very moment that I want to understand something much deeper. What sort of life does a person want to build?
It’s not just about what job to find. It’s not just about whether to start your own business or move house. These are all important decisions. But they are only individual pieces of a bigger picture.
I’m always interested in what makes people different. How does a person want to live? What does a life in which they feel at home mean to them? What do they want to feel every day? What do they want more of? And what do they want less of?
Why is this so important to me?
Because it is one’s outlook on life that gradually becomes the criterion by which a person begins to make all subsequent decisions. Not the other way round. It is here that it becomes clearer what life cannot truly be without. For some, it is freedom. For others, it is creativity, personal development, close relationships, peace of mind or the opportunity to create something meaningful.
And I really enjoy watching how a person’s state of mind changes at that moment. Where there was so much anxiety just a short while ago, a completely different energy emerges. Their eyes begin to light up. A belief takes root that the life she is talking about can truly become a reality.
When this vision emerges, decisions cease to be isolated choices made «here and now». They begin to coalesce into a single direction. For a person no longer merely understands what they want to leave behind; they begin to see what they want to achieve.
That is precisely why, after that, we return to the question once more. And very often it turns out that, in the meantime, it has already changed. It has become more precise. More profound. And sometimes — completely different.
And only then do we move on to specific decisions, planning and the first steps. But now these are based not merely on a desire to bring about change more quickly. They stem from an understanding of the kind of life a person wants to build.
Perhaps we look for the right solution so often because it seems as though that is the one thing that will change our lives. But over the years I’ve been working, I’ve become increasingly convinced otherwise. At first, it’s not about finding the answer. At first, it’s about seeing yourself. Seeing the logic behind what’s happening. To understand what it is we really want to work on. To sense what sort of life we want to build. And only then should we start looking for solutions. That is precisely why I do not begin coaching by looking for an answer.
Not because decisions aren’t important. But because I want them to stop being random. I want them to spring from a deeper understanding of oneself, one’s values and the life one truly wants to build. And when that happens, decisions cease to be the main goal. They become a natural consequence
If you recognise yourself in this article and feel that you’d like to gain a better understanding of what’s happening in your life right now, – I’d like to invite you to a one-to-one coaching session. Sometimes a single conversation doesn’t provide ready-made answers, but it helps us to see where they begin to take shape.