Over the years of my practice, I’ve noticed the same pattern time and time again. People come to me with a wide variety of concerns. Some want to change jobs. Some are thinking about starting their own business. Some are going through a relationship crisis or simply say: “I no longer know what to do next”.
The queries vary. But very often, there is one and the same underlying story behind them.
The first thing to appear is almost always a sense of inner unease. It isn’t necessarily intense or sudden. More often than not, it is subtle, gradual, but increasingly persistent.
Things that brought pleasure not so long ago no longer bring joy. Everyday tasks increasingly lead to fatigue or a sense of inner resistance. A strange feeling sets in: it’s as if life is going on, but not quite as one would like. At times like this, many people start to worry: «What’s wrong with me? Everything’s fine, isn’t it?»
Then another question arises: “Right… but if that’s not the case, then what?”
And so between “not like that” and “how?” a sense of bewilderment sets in.
Confusion has its own logic
Confusion almost never arises out of the blue. It is almost always preceded by a quiet inner sense that the old way of life no longer works.
Our bodies often notice these changes before we can put them into words. First, that sense of lightness disappears. Then we start to feel an inner resistance to what, until recently, had felt natural. And it is only later that we begin to realise: “I don’t want things to stay as they are. But I don’t yet know what I do want.”
And it’s not at all down to laziness, ingratitude or a lack of willpower. It’s just that something inside has already changed.
In fact, feeling lost doesn’t always mean you’ve lost your way. Often, it suggests something quite different: your old way of life no longer suits you, whilst a new one is only just taking shape.
We’ve got used to seeing this state of mind as a problem that needs to be solved as quickly as possible. Find an answer. Make a decision. Make up your mind. But, as I observe other people and my own life, I am becoming increasingly convinced that, very often, feeling lost is not a failure. It is a natural stage of transition.
It can strike after a change of job or the completion of an important project. After having a baby or moving house. After a loss, burnout or even a major success, when an unexpected question suddenly pops into your head: «What next?» And sometimes – for no obvious reason at all. Simply because you’ve changed in the meantime.
Your experience has changed. Your values, priorities and needs have shifted. And the life that, until recently, felt natural and familiar to you no longer forms a coherent whole.
This doesn’t mean that the previous stage was wrong or that you took a wrong turn. More often than not, it means just one thing: you are no longer the person you used to be. And that is precisely why the old answers no longer work.
What’s going on inside?
During this period, it is as though two processes are taking place simultaneously within.
On the one hand, you are gradually changing. You are beginning to sense more keenly what no longer suits you, what drains your energy, and what, on the contrary, sparks your curiosity and the desire to move forward. What used to be enough no longer gives you a sense of fulfilment. It’s as if a new vision of yourself is emerging from within, although there are no clear answers just yet.
On the other hand, our brains really dislike uncertainty.
Imagine you’ve been walking along the same familiar path for many years. You knew every bend and could walk it almost with your eyes closed. But one day you realise: this path no longer leads where you want to go. And there’s no new one in sight yet.
It is at this very moment that the brain starts to put up a fight. Not because the new path is a bad one, but because it is still unfamiliar.
It is important for our psyche to have a clear picture of the world. This helps us to make decisions quickly, predict outcomes and feel safe. When the old picture no longer works, and there is no new one yet, uncertainty is naturally perceived as a threat.
That is precisely why, during this period, we may find ourselves doubting more, putting off important decisions, clinging to the familiar, or rushing to find at least some sort of answer.
And it’s not that we’ve become weaker.
It’s just that one part of us is already ready for change, whilst the other is still trying to hold on to a sense of security. That is precisely why, at times like these, we can simultaneously long for change – and be very afraid of it. And that is not a contradiction. It is a natural part of the transition.
What is it like to go through this?
Confusion rarely makes itself felt in a loud way.
More often than not, it creeps into your life almost imperceptibly. You do everything you need to do. You go about your usual business. But more and more often, you find yourself thinking: «It’s as if I’m living my life on autopilot.»
Or, whilst chatting with friends, you might suddenly say: «I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything seems fine. But it feels as though it’s not mine anymore.»
I’m running out of energy, even though my workload hasn’t increased. Things that used to bring pleasure are now increasingly done out of a sense of «duty». Sometimes new desires begin to emerge: to learn something new, to change career, to try running your own business, or simply to live a little differently.
But almost immediately, another voice chimes in:
- «That’s not serious.»
- «It’s not the right time.»
- «What if it doesn’t work out?»
- «It’s better not to take any risks.»
There is one pattern that I am noticing more and more often in my practice.
More often than not, people come not because they don’t know what they want. They come because they stopped trusting their feelings a long time ago.
We’ve spent so long telling ourselves: «it’s not the right time yet», «we need to be patient», «it’s not serious», that we gradually stop listening to our own desires. Not because they’ve disappeared. But because we’ve stopped seeing them as a good enough reason to make a change.
Why you shouldn’t rush
When we feel lost, it’s natural to want to shake it off as quickly as possible: to find the right solution, set a new goal, draw up a clear plan. It’s as if moving faster will make things easier sooner.
But, paradoxical as it may seem, it is precisely this rush that often draws us back to old patterns. Not because they are better, but because they are familiar. And with them, the brain feels safe again.
That is precisely why, at times like these, I don’t feel like telling people, «Make up your mind quickly.» On the contrary, sometimes the most important thing you can allow yourself is not to rush. Not to put your life on hold, but to finally listen to yourself.
Perhaps I shouldn’t look for an answer straight away, but try to ask myself a few honest questions: what is my life trying to tell me right now through this sense of confusion? What is no longer mine? What has become truly important? Which desires have I been putting off for so long out of fear?
You don’t necessarily have to know all the answers straight away. I’m becoming increasingly convinced that clarity rarely comes at the very moment we’re desperately seeking it. It emerges when we begin to understand ourselves better, trust our instincts and gradually build a life that truly suits us today.
Over the years, I have become increasingly convinced that confusion is not chaos, nor is it a sign that a person has lost their way.
Very often, this is a natural transitional phase between what has already come to an end and what is only just beginning to take shape. It is at moments like these that the most important thing is not to seek someone else’s answer, but to create a space for yourself in which it becomes easier to hear your own.
If you’re going through a difficult time right now, perhaps you don’t need to rush into finding the right solution. Perhaps it’s more important right now to allow yourself to take your time and treat what you’re going through with respect.
Because very often clarity doesn’t come first. First comes honesty with oneself. Then comes trust in one’s own feelings. And from that, decisions gradually emerge that are no longer random.
I think this is what growing up is all about: not never feeling lost, but learning to stop being afraid of it. To learn to see it not as a setback, but as an invitation to take a closer look at yourself, your values and the life that is already waiting to be born.
And then confusion ceases to be the place where we have lost our way.
It becomes the place from which a new phase begins.