Do you ever find yourself in a state where you just don’t feel like doing anything – as if apathy, indifference and hopelessness are overwhelming you? We might call this emotional burnout, search online for various explanations and try to understand what’s happening to us. This state can be exacerbated and triggered by various events, but it’s important to recognise what might be underlying it – the habit of being hard on and critical of ourselves. Sound familiar? I suggest we explore this process and gain a better understanding of it.
In our society, high standards and a focus on results are generally encouraged – do you remember your earliest recollections of your parents’ expectations of you and how you felt about them?
Let’s be honest – some of us didn’t receive the attention, support and respect we would have liked as children – our parents brought their own experiences, which they had gained themselves, into their parenting. That’s why our earliest memories of achievements and results are often linked to anxiety about whether we’ll be able to achieve them and win approval. And we didn’t always manage to achieve what our parents expected of us – but we learnt to put that ‘MUST’ first, and sometimes there simply wasn’t enough room left for our ‘WANT’….
For a child, support, acceptance and approval are vital elements that shape a positive view of themselves and the world and strengthen their inner resilience. Consequently, in order to get what they want, children prioritise the needs of their loved ones over their own. As we grow up, we «carry with us» the way of relating to the world that we learnt earlier. And we begin to demand results from ourselves and judge them, sometimes harshly criticising ourselves and forgetting about self-compassion and kindness – things we have not yet learnt sufficiently. Without realising it, we gradually drive ourselves into a dead end of obligations and expectations, which, over time, become ever more numerous and burdensome – and then that ‘MUST’ becomes the main driving force behind our lives and development, whilst the voice of ‘I WANT’ grows ever fainter. And then inside we feel sad and empty, as if someone important had left us… As if our entire worth to others and to ourselves begins to be defined by that result which we “MUST” achieve… for someone, for others… But for ourselves, it seems there’s nothing left, or it’s put off until later… And then, gradually, our inner energy, strength and drive fade away, and into that empty space, imperceptibly and insidiously, apathy and its companion – hopelessness – seep in as an invisible backdrop….
Psychologists call this the ‘deferred life syndrome’ – when the present is constantly sacrificed for that future moment when it will finally be possible.
So what should we do about it? Where can we find those little pieces of ourselves that hold the key to our energy and inner strength? The first step is to recognise this process as it unfolds and redirect our focus back to ourselves. Yes, now your inner advisors and accusers will jump in – and they’ll use the familiar lines – that it’s selfish, that it’s not the right time, that you need to be nice and accommodating, that others need it more…
But the truth lies somewhere between «MUST» and «WANT». Because, really, in adult life it’s impossible to be guided solely by what you ‘want’. We have responsibilities, obligations, other people and circumstances to consider. But it’s just as impossible to live constantly pushing yourself solely on the basis of ‘musts’ – it’s just that in the latter case, the consequences come later and are often imperceptible at first.
The only person we are with 24/7 is ourselves. And so, learning to have a good, mindful and honest relationship with ourselves is not selfishness, but an important part of adulthood. Finding a healthy balance between our own desires and the commitments we take on is our task.
We live in a time when it is particularly easy to put ourselves on the back burner – until things calm down and the war is over, until we have more energy, money, security and certainty.
This «later» becomes so ingrained in our lives that we stop realising that LIFE is still happening RIGHT NOW. And whilst there are things in it that we cannot influence, there are things that are within our control – things we can start to notice and choose. And that’s when change begins)
So, it’s worth stopping every now and then to ask yourself: «What’s in it for me? What do I WANT?».