How to hear your inner voice when there are so many other voices around you
In the previous article, we discussed how the inner voice rarely disappears. Far more often, we simply stop trusting it. This naturally raises the following question: if the answer is already within us, how can we learn to hear it again and trust ourselves? How can we learn to rely on our own feelings, rather than just on what seems right?
Over the years of my practice, I have become increasingly convinced that self-confidence almost never returns after a single conversation or a single moment of profound realisation. It develops gradually – through paying attention to those moments we are used to overlooking.
Sometimes a person spends years thinking about changing jobs, but keeps putting off the decision, finding new reasons to wait. Sometimes they go along with things in a relationship even though deep down a quiet «no» has been echoing for a long time. And sometimes, even when it comes to trivial matters, they reply, «I don’t mind», even though they already know the answer – it’s just that it doesn’t seem important enough to stand by.
That inner voice almost never starts with anything grand. More often than not, it sounds very mundane. «I’ve been wanting to ask for a pay rise for ages.» «I’m no longer interested in this job.» «I want to live at a different pace.» «I don’t want to go along with things just because it’s more convenient for others.» Thoughts like these crop up far more often than we realise. But almost immediately, we start to argue with them. We convince ourselves that now isn’t the right time, that it’s unreasonable, or that we need to earn something else first.
That is precisely why, in coaching sessions, we do not start by looking for an answer. We start by doing something else – we create a space in which a person can spend enough time with their thought without dismissing it within the first few seconds. Very often, it is precisely this time that was lacking for a thought to cease being a mere passing thought and, over time, become something on which they can rely in their life.
Decisions are not made in haste
I’ve noticed that people come here for all sorts of reasons. Some say: «I know I need to change jobs», «I need to start my own business», «It’s time to end this relationship». Others admit honestly: «I don’t know what I want at all». At first glance, these seem like completely different situations. But very often, there is one and the same reason behind them. In one case, the person is already clinging to an answer that seems right. In the other, they have lived amongst other people’s voices for so long that they have almost stopped hearing their own.
That is precisely why we do not start with an action plan. First of all, it is important to explore what really lies behind what a person is saying. Sometimes I suggest taking a moment to stop thinking about today’s problem and look a little further ahead. How would you like your life to be? What should it contain? What really matters? Sometimes we pay attention to how different options feel in the body. Sometimes we explore where energy arises and where there is almost none.
It is at moments like these that I most often realise that a person does not so much not know the answer as have long since denied themselves the chance to hear it. And then there’s no need to come up with a solution. It begins to reveal itself – not because someone has suggested it, but because the person has once again reconnected with what really matters to them.
It takes time to come up with your own answer, too
There’s a moment that comes up very often in coaching sessions. A person finally says what they’re really feeling. But just a few seconds later, they add: «I suppose that’s silly.» Or: «Maybe I’m overreacting.» Or: «That sort of thing doesn’t happen.».
It is at moments like these that it becomes particularly clear just how quickly we start to question our own answer. If you have spent years not trusting yourself, someone else’s confidence is not enough to change that. Trust cannot be passed on. It can only be lived.
What’s far more important is this: don’t rush. Don’t feel the need to prove that this answer is right. But don’t dismiss it either. Give it a little time. Say it out loud again. Feel how it resonates within you. Imagine what life would be like if you truly allowed yourself to live that way.
I really like the word «get used to». Because that, in my view, is exactly what happens next. A person isn’t so much looking for a new answer as gradually getting used to the one they’ve already heard. They try it out in their own life. They check whether it really suits them. And only then do they begin to take their first steps.
Perhaps this is precisely the first small step towards trusting ourselves. Not when our doubts disappear completely, but when we allow our answer to stay with us long enough to stop seeing it as just a passing thought.
Why mere awareness is not enough
It is at this point that many people have a very natural thought: «Right, now I know my answer.» And it seems that this is enough for life to start changing. But realisation is only the beginning. It does not yet build self-confidence.
After that, a much less obvious process begins. To begin with, it is very important to learn not to dismiss your own response. Don’t convince yourself that it is foolish, unrealistic or not substantial enough. Don’t dismiss it simply because it doesn’t resemble the usual «must». And only after this does what I’d like to describe with a very simple word begin – get used to with his answer.
Time and again, a person returns to it. They try it out in their own life. They notice how it resonates within them – where it brings more energy, and where it meets with inner resistance. They get to know it.
At some point, the answer ceases to be merely an opinion. It gradually becomes part of life. Not because we have convinced ourselves that it is right, but because we begin to recognise ourselves in it. It is then that we begin to learn to trust not a random thought, but ourselves.
Small actions make a bigger difference than big insights
There is another pattern that I observe time and time again during coaching sessions. The most significant changes rarely take place during the conversation itself. More often than not, they begin afterwards, once the person has returned to their everyday life.
After the meeting, she doesn’t always come away feeling completely confident. But very often she leaves feeling ready to take one small step. To have a conversation she’s been putting off for ages. To ask for a pay rise. To apply for a job vacancy. To say «no» in situations where, for years, she’s been agreeing against her better judgement. Or, conversely, to allow herself to say «yes» to something that’s been calling to her for a long time.
These steps may seem very small. But it is precisely these that bring about the greatest change. Not because they lead straight to the desired result, but because, over time, they change the way a person relates to themselves.
Every step like this becomes a new experience. A person no longer merely ponders their response – they begin to live it out in real life. And each time, they receive further confirmation: it’s okay to feel anxious, it’s okay not to be 100 per cent certain, it’s even okay to make a mistake – and yet still remain true to oneself.
I think we often expect confidence to come before we take the first step. But very often, the opposite happens. First comes a small action. And only then does confidence follow.
This is precisely how the brain, the body and the mind gradually accumulate new experiences. Not experiences of perfect solutions, but the realisation that you can trust your own instincts. That life does not fall apart when you rely on yourself. That you don’t need to wait until you’re completely certain before taking action. And perhaps this is precisely how, step by step, inner strength is forged. Not because a person stops having doubts, but because they increasingly experience the following: «You can trust me.».
Why do we sometimes need another person by our side?
If, for years, you have relied more on other people’s opinions than on your own feelings, it is very difficult to simply decide one day: «From now on, I will trust myself». Almost immediately, doubts, an inner critic, and the habit of explaining, checking or dismissing everything crop up alongside that answer. Not because the answer is wrong, but because we are not yet used to relying on it.
That is precisely why sometimes you need another person by your side. Not someone who’ll tell you what’s right. And not someone who’ll make decisions for us. But someone who’ll help us stay with our own answer long enough so that it doesn’t get lost amidst doubts, self-criticism or other people’s expectations.
For me, that is precisely what the role of a coach is all about. It’s better not to know the answer than the person does. Not to persuade them. Not to lead them. But to create a space in which they stop losing touch with themselves. A space in which their own answer ceases to be a random thought and becomes something they can rely on in their own lives.
Sometimes we don’t need someone who knows better. Sometimes we need someone who will help us not to lose ourselves – until we learn to trust ourselves again.
What can be done this week
If you’ve recognised yourself whilst reading this, don’t rush into making any drastic changes straight away. Self-confidence rarely begins with a big decision. Far more often, it starts with us allowing our answer to stay with us a little longer.
Perhaps this week, rather than looking for a new answer, it would be enough to take a closer look at the one you already have. Try asking yourself a few questions.
What do I already know about this situation, but haven’t yet dared to admit to myself?
Which of my answers have I already managed to undermine?
What can I do this week to give my answer a chance to become part of my life?
Don’t rush to get the answer right. And don’t rush to change your whole life straight away. Sometimes, one small step is enough. Not to sort everything out, but to give yourself a new experience: «I can rely on myself.».
Self-confidence does not return the moment you realise it. It develops gradually – every time a person chooses not to brush aside their own answer, not to dismiss it, and to take another small step, relying on themselves. We often expect confidence to come first, followed by action. But very often, the opposite is true. Action comes first. Then comes experience. And it is from that experience that confidence grows.
Self-confidence is very similar to trust in another person. It doesn’t arise after just one conversation. It develops when, time and time again, you experience moments that confirm: You can rely on that. It’s the same with ourselves. First, we learn to listen to our own answer. Then – not to be too quick to dismiss it. Then – to live in accordance with it, even if it’s still scary. And one day we realise that we’re seeking permission from others less and less. Not because we’ve stopped having doubts. But because we’ve learnt to be on our own side.
It is probably at that very moment that a person stops asking themselves: «Can I trust myself?» Because one day, self-trust ceases to be a goal. It becomes a way of life.